One Of The Scariest Feelings I’ve Experienced

02/3/2017

I had just arrived home from the hospital to our little chilly box apartment in Kathmandu, after suffering a mystery bout of gastro in mid-December last year. My senses felt assaulted by the sound and movement of the streets we’d just woven through in our tiny taxi – tooting and swerving, dust swirling and stray dogs barking. My beautiful man (who’d been by my side throughout), gently welcomed me back in with fresh flowers and the promise of creamy mashed potatoes for dinner (heaven after hospital food).

I was so thankful and relieved to be back ‘home’. Away from thrice-daily IV fluid drips, being woken up with the pinching pain of ANOTHER blood test (whoever dreamt up 6am blood tests is a sick bugger), vital checks every two hours, the general buzz and beeping of the hospital ward – being at home in the (relative) silence was bliss.
I set up camp on the floor near the heater. I felt the need to feel supported, grounded and held – and being off the ground, even on the couch, was making me nauseous.


I closed my eyes and tuned into my body, which felt VERY different after the hospital stint. I’d had a cannula put into both hands (one became too swollen to keep it in after a few days) and this was the first time in a while that my body didn’t have any medical instruments poking into it. I did a feeling scan through my body and energy system, seeing if anything leaking needed to be plugged or smoothed over. And what I felt was – not a lot at all.

While I had physical sensations in my limbs, there was no sense of my light body or my usually strong energy deeply anchored into being. I felt my soul was hovering around my head area and didn’t want to drop back in to my body. I realised, with the help of a beautiful friend at the other end of FB messenger, that there was a complete lack of trust in my body at that moment. It had let me down and my soul had unplugged itself from my internal energy anchors. What this left me feeling was the cold breath of anxiety, scared to move, disembodied, alone, disconnected and numb.

It was ridiculously frightening. I couldn’t understand how my light could have left me. I’d done so much work to anchor it and now it felt totally absent. The emotional pain and fear of loss was torturous.

Then it hit me – this is how I used to feel ALL THE TIME.

Disconnected from myself, from the universe and from the light. All up in my head, numb in my body and trying to stave off anxiety with every self-help trick in the book.

That’s what normal used to feel like.

– Fear breathing down my spine
– Disembodied and numb
– Disconnected from any sense of light

I would chase away these feelings daily, by distracting myself with everything I saw that was wrong externally and ‘needed to be fixed’.

  • I read all of the books
  • Pored over ALL of the blogs
  • Watched all of the inspiring movies (hello, The Secret and What the Bleep Do We Know)
  • Watched the TED Talks
  • I could give sound and loving advice to others like a little oracle
  • I talked about concepts and understood every zen, new age, spiritual concept INTELLECTUALLY

But all of this just floated around in my mind and energy field, never fully landing within me. It may as well have all been communicated in Venusian, for all the good it was doing me. I ached to truly f*cking GET what all of those words, videos, and movies were actually talking about. And know it deeply. In my bones.

It wasn’t until I got real with myself (i.e. finally stopped distracting myself) and allowed myself to dive deep within to do the internal work, that I was finally able to open my receiving channels to these messages and the wisdom they contained. It wasn’t until I got to know the light in me, the darkness in me, expanded my heart portal w-i-d-e open and activated my energy centres to such a point that they were BURSTING with higher cosmic light, that I came to have an anchored and EMBODIED sense of everything I’d heretofore absorbed purely in my mind.

I liken this to the difference between holding a stunning chocolate truffle torte (or apple tartin if that’s your thang) in your hands; rather than diving head first into it and luxuriating in its velvety deliciousness. (Okay, maybe you’d be ladylike and use a dessert fork, but you see what I mean hey?) By just holding it, you’d be able to tell me all about it – what it looked like, how much it weighed, how much it glistened tantalisingly in the light, how many slices you could get out of it, maybe even how delicious it smelled. But you wouldn’t truly KNOW what it’s like until you got it in your pie-hole and down your gullet, amirite??

So, if you are picking up what I’m putting down with my clumsy analogy, it will be clear that I became a chocolate addict and lived happily ever after. Whoops! I mean I learnt how to not just observe and witness the “cake”, I could now fully *experience* it.

But, it took awhile. As in years of self-directed learning, embodied practice, bodywork, energy work, energy healing and channeling light codes and higher dimensional wisdom. And often times, there would be loud internal pleas to GIVE UP. To let the veil of ignorance try and settle back over me so I could just happily stick to my 9-to-5 and only look forward to the weekends and only believe that what existed was in the third dimension and all of the MAGIC of the higher dimensions was all in my crazy delusional head. I wanted to tuck my witchy self away, banish her from my life because what she demanded from me was not convenient, goddamit. Sometimes it was all too freaking exhausting.

I know this is supposed to be the part where I say it was all worth it. And yes to a point it was. But if I’d been able to have someone there to gently hold me and coax me through the incredible highs and lows of this journey, I would have said SIGN ME UP, BABY.

And this is the reason why I created my exclusive 1:1 private spiritual mentoring programs, Goddess Awakening, and Mystic Awakening. I have crafted the steps, methods and processes to guide you through what I have painstakingly moved through. They’re packaged together to help you align with your light, dance with your darkness, and ultimately live as the light-filled goddess you are. I hold your hand through all of the upgrades, the shadow work, and the rocky but rewarding part of claiming your spiritual self that’s screaming to be seen and heard. What took me years, takes you mere months (pheeew!).

Embodying Your Light

What does anchoring and embodying your LIGHT actually do, for your life in the here and now? Well just for starters it:

– Ignites the knowing of your Soul’s passion and purpose. Once you’re alight baby, all of the nudges and insights drop in and your intuition fires into overdrive.
– Helps you feel completely present in your body and less in your head.
– Multiplies your manifesting mojo like a magic spell.
– Turns your side hustle into a soul business in record time.
– Shines you so brightly that your soul mate / soul tribe are going to magnetise towards you.
– Helps you drop those incessant negative thought loops. Hateful Negative Nancy toodles off into the sunset.
– Helps you relate to and fully understand the ‘new’ kids being birthed into our world. They are epically gifted but often misunderstood.
– Turns on and enhances your clair-abilities (clairvoyance, clair-audience, clair-cognisance, clair-sentience)

And guess what?! I’m opening the doors of my highly transformative mentorship program for you right now! If you’ve been nodding along in agreement and recognition that this is what your soul is yearning for, drop me a line at carly@carlystephan.com to apply for one of (only) TWO spots I have available. I’m excited to chat to you!

…..

So… back to me on the floor in our Kathmandu apartment, desperately anxious at having maybe lost my embodied light. 

My intuition said – ‘Absolutely not. You’re transforming and having a clean out. This is all in service of your spiritual ascension and you just need to tuck yourself up in bed with your crystals, lie in shivasana and INTEGRATE.’ My mind responds with, ‘Hmmm I don’t totally buy that. How about we freak out a little more?’ 

My intuition won against my tired mind, and I hopped into bed, surrounded by crystals and sacred talismans, lay in shivasana and began calling my soul back into its’ light anchors – while being completely present with the numbness I felt. I didn’t distract, obfuscate, or panic (excessively). I consciously connected and focused on each of my energy points, encouraging them to help with the anchoring.

By the next morning I began to feel the glimmer of my light body within me again. It took a few more days to feel that familiar sense of connection, and embodied light energy coursing through my body, but it came back.

To say I was relieved is an understatement. I am thankful for its presence and luminosity every day.

 

To find out a bit more about my 1:1 private mentoring – CLICK HERE. I look forward to hearing from you!

There are also some pretty sweet bonuses only available for you, only until Friday March 10:

– 1 x Archer Mala Beads Crystal Mala Necklace of your choice!
– 5 x spiritual practice / personal growth-oriented books chosen together and fully paid for, sent straight to you to support your journey!
– 1 x Automatic access to my group coaching program The Fulfilled Feminine Formula – and unlimited access to live rounds!
– 1 x Light Activation session with me to gift to anyone you wish!

EXTRA VALUE = $720.

Do you know someone who would like to read this? I’d so love if you’d share it! Thank you!

0 comments :

Leave a Comment:

Theme by Blogmilk   Coded by Brandi Bernoskie